


truth

by waveydnp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-29 17:25:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13931796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveydnp/pseuds/waveydnp
Summary: my way of trying to process what's happening with dan post 'trying to live my truth'





	truth

“Dan.”

His voice is soft and sweet. It’s gentle and caring and everything that makes Dan’s chest hurt right now. He pretends not to hear it. He can pretend he’s still sleeping. He wishes he was.

“Dan.”

A little louder this time. He’s probably not going to go away, then.

“What?”

The bed dips. A hand on his shoulder. He squeezes his eyes shut tighter.

“You need to get up.”

Fuck him, Dan thinks. Fuck him and his stupid kind voice and his stupid good intentions. Fuck him and his concern and his healthy brain chemistry and his fucking serotonin-producing endocrine system. Fuck him for being so goddamn well-adjusted all the time.

It’s exhausting. Dan is exhausted. He can’t think about it anymore, and yet, he can’t stop. There’s no room for anything else.

“Go away.”

He doesn’t.

“You need to shower.”

“Why?”

“We need to film.”

“We don’t. We just did.”

“We need gaming.”

“Fuck gaming.”

“Dan. Please.”

He turns around. He looks up at Phil even though he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to face the brows knit with concern, those big blue eyes behind the glasses, a little too wide as he takes in the pathetic waste of space he calls a boyfriend. Guilt for hurting Phil is not something he wants to add to the list right now.

“Why?” he asks again.

Phil smiles. Tries to. It’s not genuine and Dan thinks he should know by now that he can’t fake it. They know each other too well for that. “It’ll be fun.”

“Then let’s just not film it. If that’s all it’s about.”

Phil drops his chin a little. Obviously that’s not all it’s about.

“Fuck’s sake, Phil. Just say it.”

“They could tell.” His voice is quiet and Dan can tell it hurts him to say it.

It still pisses him off though. It still makes him want to lash out. “Tell what?” He’s going to make him say it, even though he hates himself for it already.

Phil’s teeth are working at the inside corner of his lip. He’s not looking at Dan’s eyes anymore. “That you… weren’t into it.”

Dan turns back over, his fingernails digging into his palms. He doesn’t want to say anything he’ll regret later. “I told you I wasn’t ready. I told you that.”

“I know. I just…”

“You just wanted to do damage control.”

Silence. He knows he’s right, even if his throat _is_ tight with how cruel he’s being.

“It’s more complicated than that,” Phil whispers.

“It’s fine. I fucked up and you’re trying to fix it. I’m selfish and you’re not. You’re left to clean up my shit, just like always.”

“You cleaned up my shit last week. Literally.”

Dan turns to look over his shoulder. Phil’s actually smiling a little.

Fuck. Crying was the one thing he’d managed not to give in to today.

Phil lifts up the duvet and slides in. He doesn’t touch Dan, he’s careful not to. But he lays his head down on the pillow and his glasses skew awkwardly on his nose. Dan turns around and they look at each other. For a long time.

“You didn’t fuck up.”

“I fucked up like a hundred different ways and you know it.”

“You got scared.”

Dan rolls onto his back and covers his eyes. It’s too much, even just thinking about it all is too much. He’s still scared. And embarrassed.

And angry. Still so fucking angry.

“I didn’t think it was a big deal,” Dan whispers. “I’ve been dropping hints for like, years now. It was one fucking ass eating joke.”

“I told you they wouldn’t read it that way,” Phil says gently. “And I told you it would still be a big deal.”

“I don’t… I didn’t think it would. I said I like sex. I said sex makes me happy. How is that a big deal? That’s like-- what’s more generic than that? Who doesn’t like that?”

“Some people don’t.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “You know what I mean.”

“And you know why it’s a big deal, Dan.”

He can’t even say anything. Of course he knows. He’s not an idiot. He wanted to cling to some sort of plausible deniability, but Phil won’t even let him have that apparently.

“I just get tired of it.” He doesn’t specify the _it_ , but Phil knows. Somehow he always knows what Dan’s talking about.

“I know.” Of course he does.

Dan uncovers his eyes and turns his head on the pillow to look at Phil again. “Don’t you?”

“You know I don’t.”

Dan sighs. “It’s different.”

Phil frowns, but he doesn’t say anything. They could probably have this conversation in their sleep by now.

Phil doesn’t care what they think. And Dan never stops caring.

And that’s how he gets himself into situations like this. It’s just that simple, really. And yet he can never seem to stop the cycle from repeating once it’s started.

“It doesn’t have to be,” Phil says.

And fuck his patience too.

“I’m not good like you, Phil.”

Phil’s hands are on Dan's face now. That’s the line for Phil, the thing he won’t ever let Dan get away with. “You’re good. You’re so good. You did a brave thing.”

Dan’s throat fucking burns. “And then I immediately fucked it up.”

“You got scared,” Phil says again.

“I just want… I want to say it and not have it matter.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want it to be a big deal.”

Phil nods, running his thumb along Dan’s jaw. “I know, babe.”

There’s something else he wants, of course, but it feels too pretentious to even vocalize it. Especially to Phil, the man who’ll make a slime video just because he wants to. Who’ll rope Dan into curling his hair or joining him in a fucking pastel makeover. Who’ll film what he needs to film to make the people _happy_.

Dan doesn’t particularly care about making the people happy. At least not in the way Phil does. He wants to make people _think_. He wants people to hear what he has to say and think it actually  _matters_.

And as stupid as it sounds, he wants to live his truth. He wants people to know his truth so that he doesn’t have to keep coming up with ways to hide it. He wants to live it so that people will stop fucking _talking_ about it.

“They’re mad at me,” Dan whispers. “They hate me.”

“No one hates you.”

“Some of them do.”

“Some of them always do. You can’t keep worrying about those ones.”

“I don’t know how to do that.” He’s too tired to even pretend he knows how to do that.

Phil gives him a sad smile. “I know.”

Dan leans forward and kisses him. He wraps his arms around him and pulls him close and kisses him because sometimes it feels like this is all he has. This is the one thing he knows how to do right. He knows how to love Phil. He knows how to let Phil love him, even when he doesn’t feel like he deserves that love.

He’s not far enough gone today to think he doesn’t deserve it.

He’s also not far enough gone not to recognize that Phil’s right. They should probably film a gaming video. Maybe it _will_ be fun.

“What should we play?”

Phil smiles. “Whatever you want.”

“Something I can definitely beat you at.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “That really narrows it down, then.”

“Also, I’m not showering. I’ll just put on a hat or something.”

“Fine.”

“And you have to make me tea.”

“You’re pushing it, bud.”

Dan kisses him again. Somehow, even though he mostly feels numb inside right now, he still feels the crushing intensity of his love for this man. Maybe for now that’s all his truth needs to be.

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr @waveydnp

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] truth](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14150157) by [Fiannly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fiannly/pseuds/Fiannly)




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